The Misadventures of Invader Skoodge and Fuzzball
by Lacey
Summary: Skoodge decides to abandon his post on Blorch. Look out universe! Chapter 5 - The Truth is Right Here
1. The Taming of the Rat

**Disclaimer: **You know the drill. ^_^ Invader Zim is the brain child of Jhonen Vasquez and his tribe of winged monkeys at Nickelodeon Studios. And no matter how much I might wish otherwise, I own nothing more than this story idea. 

**Author's Note: **Teehee! Skoodge ficcy! I know that on the Nick.com cards, it is said that Skoodge manages to conquer Blorch (Woohoo!), only to be shot out into space or something by the Tallests when he returns. (Shame on them!) But for this story, let's all just assume that Skoodge doesn't succeed. Okee dokee? Okee dokee! 

Anyway, I'm going to try to make each chapter a self-contained story, so that when I either run out of ideas or get bored with this, I won't leave any cliff-hanger endings. 

**Chapter 1: The Taming of The Rat**

Redness... The whole of Planet Blorch was painted in redness - dusty red deserts, mottled red mountains, glaring red sunlight. Invader Skoodge would have loved to take to to admire the monotonous scenery, but he was too busy running for his life, his stubby legs kicking up a cloud behind him. On his heels dashed a pack of Rat People, gray-furred bodies galloping easily over the terrain. Only once had Skoodge hazarded a glance behind him, and he had been treated to the sight of hungry crimson eyes and huge fangs dripping with saliva. 

Inside his disguise, Skoodge sweated, gasping for each breath. He'd thought his disguise was perfect, never realizing that the Rat People told each other apart by smell and not sight. The nearest Rat lunged, snagging Skoodge's "tail" between its teeth and jerking it off. Free from the encumbrance, Skoodge managed to speed up, the Rats still in hot pursuit. "Just a little further," Skoodge panted. "Almost there." 

"There" was a mound of rocks which jutted up from the red sand. "SIR!" Skoodge shouted as he approached. Red robotic eyes peered up over the rocks. "Stop the Rats, SIR!" The small machine saluted and dropped down, bounding easily from rock to rock until at last his feet touched sand. Almost at the same moment that the SIR made it to the ground, Skoodge began scrabbling up the rocks. 

A vast arsenal popped out of the SIR unit's head. "Halt!" it ordered. The Rats fell upon the robot, gnawing until it was rendered useless. Leaving the unappetizing metal scattered in the sand, the Rats circled Skoodge's rock pile. The pack knew that the Invader would make a better meal than the robot, and began climbing to reach him. 

Desperately, Skoodge shouted at one of the rocks. "Disable hologram! Open hatch! Authorization - Invader Skoodge!" The rock wavered and vanished to reveal a Voot Cruiser opening its hatch. Skoodge all but threw himself inside. The moment he made contact with the seat, he began tapping at the controls, closing the hatch just as a Rat threw itself at the ship. The Rat slammed into the transparent bubble and clawed fruitlessly, slobber dribbling from its teeth onto the bubble. 

Skoodge laced two of his fingers together and wiggled them in an obscene Irken gesture. He wouldn't be Rat food today! Then he turned on the ship's engines and lifted off. The Rat clung to the ship as it rose, shrieking in terror. Skoodge stopped the Voot Cruiser out of reach of the other Rats and studied his accidental passenger. It was about Skoodge's size, which meant that it was young. 

"Get off!" Skoodge shouted, knocking on the bubble. The Rat pressed its ears back, its keening creeping up an octave. "Your maternal unit isn't going to sprout wings and fly up here to get you, you slarking Rat! Now, jump!" Skoodge made the ship shake in an attempt to dislodge the Rat, but it refused to let go. Skoodge slapped his forehead in disbelief. Here he was, hovering twenty-five feet over a pack of Rats that wanted him for dinner, and one of their filth-infested young had a death grip on his Voot Cruiser. 

Skoodge flopped back in his chair and tried to figure out his next move. He couldn't go back to Irk - not without conquering Blorch. The Tallests would skin him alive for sure! But he certainly wasn't sticking around on this red dirtball of a planet either! Well, maybe he could find a nice quiet little planet to settle down on where no one would find him. Now that sounded like an idea! First, though, he had to get rid of the Rat. 

Not expecting any success, Skoodge tried to reason with the beast. "Listen. I'm leaving this planet." He pointed upwards, trying to make the Rat understand. The Rat's gaze followed in the direction of Skoodge's finger, but still it continued to whimper and hold onto the ship for dear life. "Leaving," Skoodge repeated. "Flying out of here. Not ever coming back. Mother of Irk! You don't understand a word I'm saying, do you?" 

As he stared at the Rat, Skoodge began to realize that without his SIR, he was in for a long and lonely trip. Perhaps the Rat was young enough to be tamed... "Abso-slarking-lutely not!" Skoodge swore, his sudden volume making the Rat squeal. "I am not traveling with something that wants to make a meal out of me! The thing probably can't even be house-broken." Skoodge broke off his tirade quickly, when he realized he was trying to talk himself out of the idea. "Slark it all," he muttered. "Computer, lock down cargo-hold two so that absolutely nothing can get out, and then open the hold's outer hatch. As soon as the Rat's inside, restrain it." 

"Complying!" the computer shouted. The Rat nearly lost its grip when the cargo-hold entrance opened. Something must have clicked in its primitive brain, though, which equated going through the opening with no longer hanging in mid-air. Soon the filthy hair-beast was crawling inside. With another series of button taps, Skoodge brought up a visual on the cargo-hold, and smiled to see the Rat trussed up in mechanical tentacles. Satisfied that the Rat wasn't going anywhere, Skoodge set the ship on a course that would take it away from the Armada and the planets marked for Irken conquest. 

Grabbing a nutrient bar, Skoodge went down to the cargo hold to meet his captive. Even through the closed door of the cargo-hold, he could hear the Rat snarling. Skoodge entered his access code and the door slid open. Entering, Skoodge grimaced at the pungent smell of urine. _'Definitely not house-broken,' _he sighed. The Rat thrashed in its restraints, trying desperately to get loose. "Hey!" Skoodge shouted, startling the Rat enough that it went still. "That's a good hair-thing. You don't want to hurt yourself now, do you?" Lifting himself up on his backpod's mechanical leg extensions, Skoodge waved the nutrient bar under the Rat's nose, grinning as its whiskers twitched. Suddenly the Rat lunged and snapped up the bar. "Mother of Irk!" Skoodge swore. "You almost took off my fingers!" 

Nutrient bars, though small, were designed to be filling - one nutrient bar being equal to one good-sized meal. The Rat chittered in surprise as it found its appetite sated. Skoodge circled his prisoner, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "Not exactly an ideal arrangement, huh? Personally, I'd rather have my SIR, but since your pack destroyed it..." Skoodge shrugged as he made his way back to where the Rat could watch him again. The Rat began whimpering, jewel-like tears creeping down its furry cheeks. Obviously without its pack around, the hair-beast was helpless and frightened. 

Skoodge rose again, and risked reaching out to stroke the Rat, running his fingers through the baby-soft fur. To his surprise, the Rat leaned into the petting. "Starting to think of me as pack already?" Skoodge asked with a grin. "I bet that'll last until you get hungry again. I'll try to find something to use as a collar so you won't have to stay trussed up like this, and then we'll stick with a collar and leash arrangement until I'm sure that you're not going to try to eat me again. Sound fair enough?" Skoodge paused, surprised at his own chattiness. He decided that a year on a planet full of murderous, slavering hair-beasts with only his SIR for company left him ready to talk with anything at all. 

Seeing as how the Rat was incapable of civilized conversation, Skoodge decided to leave it alone and let it get acquainted with its new home. As soon as he was out the cargo-hold, Skoodge ordered the computer to undo the restraints. Almost immediately he heard the Rat scrabbling at the door. "Slarking Rat," Skoodge muttered to himself. "Probably wants to try and use me for a chew toy." Instead of feral growling, though, a faint mewling came through the door. 

Skoodge groaned, slapping his forehead. Why had he not tried harder to lose the hair-beast? Perhaps he should just jettison the over-sized rodent out into space. "Computer," Skoodge sighed. "Clean up the Rat and the mess it made in the cargo-hold. If the slarking thing is going to be staying, then it's not going to smell like filth." While the computer followed orders, Skoodge went back up to the ship's cabin and brought up the matter creation program on the main screen. "Fashion a collar," he told the program. "Large enough for a young Rat Person, and tough enough that it can't be chewed through." 

"Processing!" the program said. A slot opened on the main panel, and a platform rose. Lasers swirled around and when they deactivated, the requested collar was on the platform. Skoodge grabbed the collar and went back down to the cargo-hold, once again ordering the computer to restrain the Rat. 

Crimson eyes followed Skoodge's approach, the occasional unhappy chitter erupting from the furry prisoner. "Don't look at me like that, fuzzball," Skoodge murmured as he snapped the collar in place. Suddenly, he started giggling. "Now there's a fitting name. How would you like to be called 'Fuzzball'?" The Rat, not understanding, could neither protest to or agree with the name. 

Pulling an unused mechanical tentacle from a wall-port, Skoodge clipped it onto the collar, then backed away from the Rat. "Computer, retract all tentacles except for 5-22-D, which is to be kept in position and at a six foot length." Finding itself suddenly able to move again as the tentacle units slid back into position, Fuzzball stretched. Then it lunged for Skoodge, its leash jerking it to a halt only inches away from the Invader. Fuzzball whirled and attacked the leash, teeth bouncing harmlessly off the tentacle. 

"Feisty," was Skoodge's only response as he leaned back against the wall to watch his companion. As if realizing that it wasn't accomplishing anything, Fuzzball stopped and glared at Skoodge, tail lashing back and forth angrily. Skoodge merely stared up at the ceiling, humming an Irken marching tune. He figured that if he could get the Rat accustomed to his scent, then it would start to think of him as pack. 

Skoodge yawned as exhaustion suddenly weighed down upon him. The stresses of the past year on Blorch seemed to decide to take their toll all at once. Going to cargo-hold one for blankets, Skoodge brought back two for Fuzzball, who immediately began making a nest out of them. Then Skoodge wrapped himself up in yet another blanket and was soon snoring softly. 

_'So warm...'_ Skoodge thought upon first awakening. Cracking open an eye, he found himself staring at a furry snout. Fuzzball was lying right on top of Skoodge! Had the hair-beast managed to get loose? Skoodge froze, wondering why he wasn't dead yet. His eyes tracked the length of the leash, which was still in place. Apparently Fuzzball had managed to snag a corner of Skoodge's blanket and had dragged him over. 

Seeing that Skoodge was awake, Fuzzball began whuffling up and down the Invader's small body, searching for food. Relaxing, Skoodge permitted himself a grin. "Mother of Irk! That was certainly a quick turn-around." Skoodge pushed the Rat off, and stood, stretching his arms toward the ceiling. "I'll be right back with some breakfast, Fuzzball." The Rat strained at the leash as Skoodge left it alone. 

When Skoodge returned with the nutrient bars, Fuzzball relaxed, sitting back on its haunches. The first nutrient bar Skoodge tossed to the Rat. The second he polished off himself. Fuzzball ate slowly, as if remembering how quickly a nutrient bar ended hunger. When it was finished, it burped and rolled over onto its back, staring up at Skoodge. "Something tells me I won't be keeping you on that leash for long," Skoodge chuckled as he began rubbing the Rat's belly. Fuzzball watched Skoodge through half-lidded eyes, purring at the attention it was getting. "And you know what else? I don't think I'm going to regret leaving Blorch at all. Slark Operation Impending Doom Two!" 


	2. Chew Toys And a Mission

**Disclaimer: **As always, Invader Zim is the property of Jhonen Vasquez and his tribe of winged monkeys at Nickelodeon. On a pointless side note, "slark" is a fun (if nonsensical) word, isn't it? Let's all say it together now! Slark! And now... On to The Misadventures of Invader Skoodge and Fuzzball! 

**Chapter 2: Chew Toys And a Mission**

For three weeks now, Skoodge had been traveling with Fuzzball - three long weeks of trying to establish a few house rules. Fuzzball had early on gotten the hang of the most important rule - no eating Skoodge - but still seemed to think that anything else was fair game. After the third time of rescuing the ship's steering stick from Fuzzball's gaping maw, Skoodge almost gave in to the temptation to keep the Rat confined to the cargo-hold. Almost. All Fuzzball had to do was turn its crimson gaze on to Skoodge and whimper pitifully, and all was forgiven. 

Also, much to Skoodge's dismay, Fuzzball's teeth were constantly growing. Skoodge at last had to sacrifice one of the ship's metallic utility tentacles and make it into a chew toy so that Fuzzball wouldn't gnaw a hole in the ship. 

But life with Fuzzball wasn't all that bad. Skoodge could spend hours on end debating the meaning of life with his furry companion, though he still wasn't quite sure how to out-argue with Fuzzball's rock-solid defense of, "Squeak." Just having someone to talk to made the trip bearable. Back in the Academy, everyone had thought that Skoodge was shy because he rarely spoke. The reality was that Skoodge merely didn't like the way his voice sounded, having never managed to quite lose the highness of childhood, and so he spent more time listening than talking. With Fuzzball, Skoodge found he had to be the talker, but he didn't mind because he had plenty of opinions to share. Sometimes he would relive old class debates, sometimes he would share that snazzy comeback that he'd thought of just a little too late, and sometimes he would just reminisce; but always Skoodge found himself with something to say. 

"Well, Fuzzball," Skoodge murmured, leaning against his pet's side and resting his hands behind his head. "Someone's bound to notice I'm gone by now. I've missed a scheduled report to the Massive. What do you think they'll believe happened to me? That I've been eaten? That your kind has some kind of advanced weaponry that defeated me? Or do you think they'll figure out the truth?" Fuzzball looked up from his makeshift chew toy and chittered incomprehensibly. Skoodge chuckled and ruffled the Rat's fur, knowing that Fuzzball didn't understand a word he said. "Yeah, that last is probably a bit far-fetched. Defection will probably be the last thing to cross their minds." 

Skoodge yawned, ready for a nap. Since the ship was set on autopilot, and he had no set destination in mind, there was no harm in a little snooze so long as the ship didn't crash into a sun. Just as Skoodge was starting to drift off, the computer decided to blare an announcement. "Incoming transmission!" 

Skoodge sat up, instantly wide awake. "Open a communication channel," Skoodge commanded, wringing his hands nervously as he tried to figure out who could possibly be placing a call. "Audio only." The ship's cabin filled with the guttural growling of a language Skoodge had never heard before. Fuzzball's ears laid back on his head at the sounds. Skoodge clamped his hands over the Rat's snout before it could decide to respond with a challenging growl. "Shush, Fuzzy. Easy now," he whispered softly to his pet. To the unknown creatures, Skoodge said in what he hoped was a confident tone, "I do not understand. Please repeat in Intergalactic Common." 

Translators, though useful, tended to leave room for misinterpretation quite often. Trader species used to spend long apprenticeships merely learning languages, not wanting to let a little thing like a language barrier interfere with a sell. Somewhere along the way, someone decided that life would be easier if there were only one language in which to conduct business in. Hence, Intergalactic Common was born. As use of Intergalactic Common spread among space-faring species, so did the purpose of the language, growing beyond a merchant's language and into the language of diplomacy. 

A pause sounded on the other end of the line. Just as Skoodge was starting to worry, a low voice began speaking haltingly in Intergalactic Common. "Unknown vessel, you are entering Nhar-Gh'ok space. Identify yourself and your purpose." Well, that was certainly clear enough, Skoodge decided, though he had no clue who or what the Nhar-Gh'ok were. 

"This is Invader Skoodge, formerly of the Irken Armada," Skoodge answered honestly. "I am a traveller, seeking nothing more than passage through Nhar-Gh'ok space to destinations unknown." 

Hushed whispers from the Nhar-Gh'ok filled the channel. Skoodge tried to listen in, but the conversation was being conducted in that strange growling language that had been used to greet the Irken. At last, Skoodge was addressed again. "We may require a price to allow you to pass through, Invader Skoodge. Let me put you on with our _Kirool_." Skoodge frowned at the unfamiliar term, wondering why the Nhar-Gh'ok would mix their own language and Intergalactic Common in such a way. Intergalactic Common was supposed to be able to fit all situations. As if sensing Skoodge's confusion, the voice explained. "_Kirool_ is leader. Sort of. It loses something in the translation." 

Ah, a leader. That much Skoodge could understand. "Very well," Skoodge responded. "I would be honored to speak with your Tallest." 

A new voice, soft and gravelly, interjected itself into the conversation. "I am no taller than any of the rest of my people, Invader Skoodge. Is your ship incapable of a visual display? I much prefer to see who I'm dealing with." Immediately Skoodge brought up a visual display, and found himself staring at the most hideous creatures he'd ever laid eyes on. 

The Nhar-Gh'ok before him were pale creatures, their coloring reminding the Irken of the bellies of fish. Patchy, scraggly hair sprouted from the tops of their heads, and a bulbous protuberance rested right in the middle of their faces. The Nhar-Gh'ok regarded Skoodge with their weird tri-color eyes - white with a circle of color in the center and a black dot in the middle of that circle. "M-m-my apologies for not bringing up visual earlier," Skoodge stammered, gratefully that he hadn't yet eaten anything, for at the sight of these monsters his meal would have been lost. "One in my situation can't be too careful." 

One of the Nhar-Gh'ok beasts inclined its head to the side in thought. "What situation might that be, Invader Skoodge? The one that led you to be 'formerly' of this Irken Armada?" At the sound of the creature's voice, Skoodge identified it as the Kirool. 

Such a clever monster, able to pick up on such slight hints, however, Skoodge had nothing to hide. With a nod, he began explaining. "I have spent the past year on Planet Blorch, trying to conquer it for my people. But I was unable to complete my mission and so I abandoned my post. I hate to say it, but defection was probably the best move I ever made. My size made life difficult enough for me back on Irk anyway." 

The assembled Nhar-Gh'ok frowned as they tried to make sense of Skoodge's words. The Kirool tapped its chin with a brightly-colored scepter as it thought. "I do not understand, Invader Skoodge. Anyone who survives a year on Blorch is most deserving of respect. There should be no shame in returning to your people." 

Realizing that he was going to have to explain his culture's social structure, Skoodge sighed. "My size is the problem, Kirool. Where I come from, a person is judged by his height, and I am quite... small. And there is nothing I can do about this little social gaffe. Even our leaders are chosen because they-" 

"Are the Tallest!" the Kirool exclaimed in sudden understanding. "What a foolish way to run a society! Why, we Nhar-Gh'ok are generally considered short, but we are fierce and respected warriors!" The Nhar-Gh'ok behind the Kirool began chattering at each other in their own language. Skoodge figured they were explaining to those among them that couldn't speak Intergalactic Common because occassionally one would point in his direction. 

"Silence!" the Kirool shouted at its people. Obedience was instant. "Now then, Invader, as you have no set destination, we have a mission for you. If you are willing, that is. I promise that this will be nowhere near as dangerous as Blorch." Skoodge raised his antennae slowly, his curiousity snagged. Seeing that it had Skoodge's attention, the Kirool continued. "Seven years ago we had an away team exploring a planet. They sent up an emergency distress signal, and we beamed them back to the mother ship. At least, we thought we had. The creatures we'd gotten looked like adult Nhar-Gh'ok, but their minds were like newborns. The assumption was that the monsters of the planet had employed some technology which wiped the minds of our people. Actually, though, the planet's young had been brought back. The away team transmitted the wrong coordinates. We would have sent a ship back earlier, but the planet is so far out of the way..." 

"And since I have no place to go, you want me to go get your people back," Skoodge finished. 

The Kirool beamed, pleased at how quickly Skoodge picked up on the problem. "And return the human young. We will, of course, provide you with all the information we have about the planet, as well as the last known coordinates of the away team. And we'll give you an escort to the edge of Nhar-Gh'ok territory. You need not even return here once you've located the team. We have the twelve human young in stasis. All you have to do is tow a ship to Earth and locate the away team. They can board the ship that we'll provide and send the humans to take their places. And you'll be free to continue your travels. Simple enough, yes?" 

A mission! Skoodge had a mission again! He saluted the Kirool. "I'm just the Irken for the job!" 

*~*~*~*~* 

_'And now,'_ Skoodge grinned to himself as he leaned back against Fuzzball. _'Now I've got a purpose again.'_ True, it wasn't as glamorous as conquering a planet, but there was no dishonor in rescue missions. Skoodge watched the monitors, eyeing the seven small craft that circled his ship. He'd been leery of such tiny ships - they were almost small enough to be considered body armor - but the Kirool had assured him that in these, the Nhar-Gh'ok were the best fliers in the galaxy. Deciding to try again for a nap, Skoodge shut his eyes. 

"Incoming transmission!" the computer blared. 

Oh! Now what? Skoodge growled angrily and opened a communication channel - audio and visual this time. And this time he found himself facing an Irken! Not either of the Tallest, thankfully, though this Irken did hold himself as one who was accustomed to being obeyed. "Invader Skoodge! You have abandoned your post and stolen Armada property! I am here to escort you to the Massive to be dealt with by the Tallests. Surrender now and you might survive." 

Skoodge glanced at the ship's rear monitor and a shiver of fear traveled down his spine. A ship was fast approaching. How could he have been found? "Slark," Skoodge swore under his breath, studying the control panel for any clues. Nothing. Without responding, Skoodge closed the channel and then got into contact with the Nhar-Gh'ok escort. "The ship coming up behind me wants to take me back to Irk. I won't be able to complete the rescue mission if it does so. Can you stop it?" Skoodge relaxed when he got a chorus of affirmatives. Now to figure out how he was followed. "Computer, how could another Irken ship have found me?" 

"Processing query!" the computer responded. The console holo-projector flipped on, and the image of a black box was shown. "Onboard homing beacon. Used to seek out lost ships." On the projection, an image of the box was cut away to reveal the inner workings of the homing beacon. 

Skoodge turned his gaze back to the rear monitor, watching the battle going on behind him. The Nhar-Gh'ok seemed to have the upper hand amazingly enough, making use of the maneuverability of their smaller craft. "Computer, where is the homing beacon located?" Another panel, this one on the floor, opened. Skoodge got down and looked inside. There, nestled amongst the wiring, was the homing beacon. Skoodge yanked it loose and examined the little box. He knew just how to get rid of it. "Hey, Fuzzy! I've got a new toy for you!" 

As Fuzzball set to work chewing up the homing beacon, Skoodge relaxed. The Irken ship was fading from sight, and as long as they couldn't track him he'd be safe. The first of the Nhar-Gh'ok escort was pulling away, which meant that the battle was over. Skoodge climbed into his ship's command chair, wondering if now he could get in a little nap. 


	3. Doom, Squirrels, and Noogums

**Disclaimer: **As usual, I am a poor student who owns nothing. Invader Zim is property of Jhonen Vasquez and his tribe of winged monkeys at Nickelodeon. And if you can't tell, I love the little secondary characters! I love them good! 

**Chapter 3: Doom, Squirrels, and Noogums**

Six months traveling with Fuzzball... Skoodge didn't quite think he was crazy yet, though his boredom was showing. Currently he was watching little fish swim across his control console thanks to his holo-projector. Two hours ago, he'd built a towering castle of cards, but Fuzzball had knocked it down just before he could get the last card in place. That was his day so far. 

For the trip, Skoodge had been teaching Fuzzball every trick he could think of - sit, stay, roll over, play dead, jump through a flaming hoop. All but the last were successful. Apparently even Slaughtering Rat People had some common sense. Skoodge's gaze wandered over to his pet, who was obliviously gnawing on his metal chew toy. The Irken tried to come up with some good story to tell Fuzzball, but he'd run out of things to say a long while back and had started lapsing into the silences he was known for back at the Academy. 

"Planet ahead!" the computer announced. 

Skoodge immediately slapped a mackerel on his console to dissolve his fish display, and started bringing up all the information his computer could gather about the planet. "Well, Fuzzball, this is the place. Planet Earth. I have to admit that the planet's name doesn't give me all that high opinion of the inhabitants. Earth, Terra, Dirt - it's all the same thing." Skoodge studied the read-outs, matching them with the information provided by the Nhar-Gh'ok. Other than a few minor changes which one could expect to occur over seven years, the data was virtually identical. _'Good to know the Nhar-Gh'ok are playing it straight,'_ Skoodge thought with a mental sigh of relief, before starting to guide his ship to the last known coordinates of the away team. _'Perhaps this planet would be good to settle on once my mission is complete. It's certainly far enough from everything, that's for sure.'_

Once the ship entered the planet's upper atmosphere, the ship's computer decided that it had something else to declare. "Irken presence detected!" Skoodge groaned loudly, an act which caused Fuzzball to look up at him. Well, at least he knew that the program he installed after the little run-in in Nhar-Gh'ok space to detect the homing beacon frequency of Irken ships worked. Now the real question was whether or not this Irken was friend or foe. It couldn't be one of the Invaders because they'd all been assigned far from here. Skoodge's antennae perked up as he wondered whether whoever was on that planet was someone else who'd abandoned his post. Well, there was only one way to find out. 

Opening a communication channel, Skoodge was greeted by an odd-looking SIR. It blinked it's cyan optics at Skoodge, its tongue sliding out of its mouth. "Hello, pretty flower!" the robot squealed. 

Skoodge blinked, surprised by the random greeting. He quickly glanced down at himself to see if the SIR knew something he didn't. Nope, still definitely Irken. "I'm not a flower," Skoodge told the machine. 

"Awww!" came the response. "I wanted to talk to a flower!" The screen went blank. Skoodge tried twice more to talk to the robot with the same results. On the last time, Skoodge finally said that yes he was a flower. The SIR narrowed its optics as it studied Skoodge. "What kind of flower are you?" 

This was, without a doubt, the oddest conversation Skoodge had ever had in his life. To keep the robot from hanging up on him again, Skoodge decided to let it keep defining its reality. "What kind of flower do you want me to be?" 

"A chrissy... Chryse-... Chrystenthe..." As it tired of stumbling over the big word, the robot changed tactics. "A tulip!" 

"All right then," Skoodge laughed, enjoying this little game. "I'm a tulip. May I talk to your master?" 

The robots optics went red as it saluted. Then it hopped up and ran off. Faintly through the speakers, Skoodge could hear it shouting, "Master! The tulip wants to talk to you!" The Irken that was dragged to the communication console was vehemently declaring that talking tulips don't exist and that he just wanted to get back to work, until he saw Skoodge. Then he went silent. 

_'Just my luck,'_ Skoodge sighed. _'Zim.'_ So much for finding another defector on this spinning ball of dirt. Skoodge suspected that part of the reason Zim wasn't killed after the whole Operation Impending Doom One fiasco was because Zim had tested extremely high in loyalty back in the Academy. "So," Skoodge said slowly, trying to get a feel of the situation. "This is the planet you've been assigned to destroy. Not bad." Thankfully Skoodge's high voice didn't squeak too badly as he spoke. 

Zim's head bobbed as he flashed Skoodge a toothy grin. "These pig worm monkeys won't know what hit them when I get through with this planet!" he declared, waving a fist passionately in the air and cackling. "So, what brings you here, Skoodge? I thought you were supposed to be on Blorch." 

"New mission," Skoodge answered quickly. Well, technically that was the truth. Skoodge did have a new mission, just not one assigned by the Tallests. "Diplomatic channels have been opened with the Nhar-Gh'ok, and as a show of good faith, I'm bringing a stranded group of the little buggers a ship." Again, technically all true, if a bit of a stretch. Widening his eyes, Skoodge put on his most innocent expression. "And when I'm done with my mission, I'm thinking of sticking around here until reassignment. No sense making that long trip back just to have to maybe travel back out this way again, huh?" 

Realizing that Skoodge wasn't here to compete for destruction of the planet, Zim relaxed. If Zim had thought that the other Irken was encroaching on his territory, there would have been trouble. "You're welcome to stay with me while you're here. I'm transmitting a design for an inconspicuous base for you now, and I'll have an appropriate disguise ready for you when you land." 

The plans Zim sent looked simple enough. The ship would be housed at the top of a tall elevator shaft with the actual base underground. There was a connecting area between the two bases which could be locked from either side so that the two Irkens could have plenty of privacy. The aboveground apparatus was disguised as a tree, and Skoodge was sure that Zim had been on the planet long enough to know the local plant-life well enough to emulate it. 

Skoodge set his ship to hover over Zim's "yard," taking note of the gnome-field. Excellent! Zim's position was well-fortified. With that thought, Skoodge loaded Zim's blueprints into a construction probe and launched it into the ground. Within minutes what seemed to be a large oak sprouted from the ground, and Skoodge's ship was safely nestled amongst the leaves. Skoodge coaxed Fuzzball into the elevator, using a nutrient bar as a lure, and the two rode together down into the base proper. 

When he saw Zim, Skoodge quickly fed Fuzzball the nutrient bar to sate his pet's appetite. "Interesting pet," Zim said, struggling to keep a tremor out of his voice. Skoodge merely shrugged and stroked Fuzzball's snout. In the awkward silence, Zim thrust a disguise at Skoodge. 

Skoodge picked up the headpiece by a fuzzy ear and stared. "No," he declared firmly once he realized what the disguise was. "I'm not being a squirrel." 

The refusal was enough to send Zim into one of his infamous tantrums. Stomping his foot, Zim shouted, "This is my planet to destroy, and if I say you're going to be a squirrel, then you're slarking well going to be a squirrel!" At Zim's tone, Fuzzball flattened its ears back against its head and bared its teeth. Skoodge had to agree with the sentiment. Zim's voice could be about as pleasant as nails in a blender when he was mad. Luckily for both Skoodge and Fuzzball, Zim mistook the Rat's actions for an aggressive stance and took a quick calming breath as he stepped back. "Besides," Zim continued, trying to sound reasonable. "Your base appears to be a tree, and that's a logical place to find squirrels. The Earthenoids might take notice of you if you're disguised as one of them and living in a tree..." 

Skoodge opened his mouth to try and reason with Zim, but shut it again when he realized he couldn't refute that logic. He was saved from having to make a scene by the arrival of Zim's SIR unit. The robot came dashing into the room, then skidded to a halt when it saw Skoodge. "Tulip!" the machine screeched as it leapt onto Skoodge's head. Then it noticed Fuzzball. "Oooo! Giant dustbunny!" 

The SIR unit released Skoodge and was about to tackle Fuzzball, but Zim, anticipating the robot's actions, grabbed it in midair. "That wouldn't be a good idea, GIR. Why don't you go upstairs? I think there's a Choco-poop Bar waiting for you somewhere in the kitchen." The robot's eyes grew as big as dinner plates just before it ran off with a squeal of, "Chocolate!" 

"So, it's called GIR, huh?" Skoodge muttered as he smoothed back his antennae. "What does the 'g' stand for?" 

Zim shrugged, eyeing Fuzzball nervously. "I don't know. Though the Tallests claim that he's an advanced model." 

_'If that thing's advanced, then I'm married to a Planet Jacker,'_ Skoodge thought, but held his tongue. It wasn't his place to criticize Zim's notions of advanced, after all. And besides, he had a job to do. Though Earth wasn't quite as big as Blorch, finding the Nhar-Gh'ok could still take Skoodge years. "Guess I'd better get started on my mission," Skoodge grinned. It felt good to have a purpose. 

"You mentioned you were looking for the Nhar-Gh'ok..." Zim's eyes twitched as he wrung his hands together - an indicator of nervousness if Skoodge ever saw one. Skoodge raised an antenna in silent question. "I've run into the Nhar-Gh'ok," Zim continued, his hands continuing their movement around each other. "In fact, Noog- I mean Sgt. Shnooky can be found right next door. Breaking into the human domicile to retrieve him should be easy enough once nightfall arrives. I'd better go make sure GIR doesn't destroy the kitchen now. Advanced or not, he does like to destroy things. Bye!" Without a backward glance, Zim scampered off, leaving Skoodge to wonder what there was to be nervous about. 

With nothing else to do, Skoodge began getting things prepared for the night. He might as well act on Zim's information as it would be a good opportunity to see if he could trust the other Invader. Slipping into the hideous squirrel costume, which, much to Skoodge's chagrin, rode up terribly, Skoodge headed back up the elevator shaft with Fuzzball in tow. He stopped by his ship to commandeer a floating platform, and then went into the Nhar-Gh'ok ship. A row of specially built stasis pods rested against the far wall. Skoodge picked one at random and started tugging and pushing it into place on the platform. Only once did he have to stop and scold Fuzzball when the Rat decided to see if the stasis pods were edible. 

As soon as the platform was loaded up with its precious cargo, Skoodge decided to do a bit of observation. He dragged Fuzzball outside so that he wouldn't have to worry about the Rat eating something that it shouldn't and stretched out on a particularly thick "branch." Not much activity, Skoodge noted, but the sun was starting to sink below the horizon. His mouth fell open as he saw all the brilliant shades the sky turned. "Look, Fuzzy! See that purplish color. That's just like the skies back on Irk! And that orange there is like it was on Blorch. It's so pretty, like a whole bunch of skies all smushed into one place!" Skoodge stared at the sunset in rapt wonder while Fuzzball cleaned its fur. 

The sun sank out of sight, and darkness filled the area. The cicadas' song filled the air. At first Skoodge was frightened by all the strange sounds, but as soon as he saw that Fuzzball was calm, he relaxed. If the Rat was so sure that there was no danger, then there probably wasn't anything immediately threatening around. In fact, Fuzzball was starting to doze off. Skoodge continued to keep watch until there were no longer any signs of traffic, then he ducked back into the Nhar-Gh'ok ship for his floating platform and stasis pod. 

Skoodge climbed onto his platform and guided it to the next house, peering into the windows. He reached back behind him and plucked at his disguise, hating the wedgie it was giving him. He and Zim were going to have a long talk later. Just because Skoodge had to disguise himself as a Rat back on Blorch didn't mean that he liked rodent costumes nor that he wanted to be a rodent here on this new planet. At last he spotted his goal! Sgt. Shnooky stared out from between prison-like bars of what seemed to be a cage without a top. Was this some sort of trap? Were the humans holding the Nhar-Gh'ok prisoner? 

Converting one of his leg extensions into a laser, Skoodge cut a hole in the window, then reached inside and undid the latch. The platform was able to fit through the window, though just barely. Skoodge paused inside the room. Listening. Alert. No alarms sounded. Either the humans were extremely lax in their security or they were unaware of the Nhar-Gh'ok's nature. Skoodge approached the pen and saluted. "Sgt. Shnooky, I, Invader Skoodge, have been sent by your Kirool to rescue you. What do you say we get out of here?" 

Space Sgt. Shnooky, fierce leader of the Nhar-Gh'ok on Earth, stared up at Skoodge and blew spit bubbles. 


	4. Close Encounters of the Dib Kind

**Author's Note: **As usual, Invader Zim is the property of the oh-so-spiffy Jhonen Vasquez and his tribe of winged monkeys at Nickelodeon. When we last left off, Skoodge had just found the braindead Sgt. Shnooky! Oh yes, and no giant rats, hyperactive robots, baby-like aliens, or paranormal investigators were harmed in the making of this chapter. Enjoy the show! 

**Chapter 4: Close Encounters of the Dib Kind**

Skoodge stormed through the bases lugging Shnooky along. Behind him, Fuzzball slunk low to the ground, not wanting to attract Skoodge's attention. It had never seen Skoodge this mad before, not even when it had taken a bite out of the ship's Interstellar Positioning Unit. Fuzzball's ears perked up when it heard a squeak, and it paused, chattering its teeth in response. Just ahead was GIR, sitting on the ground with some sort of rubber animal. Fuzzball approached slowly, trying to decide if the squeaky thing was something it could eat. Skoodge's expression softened a bit as he stopped to watch. "Go ahead and play with the robot, Fuzzy. I'll go deal with Zim." Then Skoodge flounced off, leaving Fuzzball alone with GIR. 

GIR smiled his innocent, vapid smile at Fuzzball. "Hi dustbunny!" He held out his toy to the Rat. Fuzzball inched forward and sniffed at the toy, whiskers twitching nervously. When GIR made the rubber beast squeak, Fuzzball leapt away, chattering its teeth. "Aw! Don't be scared, dustbunny. Pig just wants to be your friend!" The little robot squeaked the toy some more, then cocked his head as though the squeakings made some sort of sense. "You want to go for a walk and show the dustbunny around, Pig? Ok!" 

"Slark! Slark! Slark!" Skoodge swore as he entered Zim's lab. He sat Shnooky down on a table and whirled on the other Invader. "You knew! You slarking well knew and didn't tell me!" Zim's antennae fell back in the face of Skoodge's wrath, and he started to try and speak in his defense but Skoodge didn't give him the chance. "How in the name of the three moons of Valbog am I supposed to inform the Nhar-Gh'ok of this? Huh?" Skoodge wanted to break something, to release his anger in one big destructive flurry. Instead, though, he settled on motion, loping back and forth like a gazelle on speed. "How could this have happened?" the ex-Invader moaned. 

Zim's crimson gaze followed Skoodge's pacing. "Exposure to the deadly waves of stupidity sent out by the power amplifier," he answered matter-of-factly. Skoodge froze, eyes narrowing dangerously. "I had to do something!" Zim continued quickly, not giving Skoodge a chance to talk. "They were destroying my base and threatening to blow my cover! And no one comes between Zim and his mission! No one! Besides, I've got the computer working on a reversal of the process. Something should be ready in a few hours." 

"Mother of Irk, I hope so, Zim," Skoodge sighed, his anger blowing over as quickly as it had come. He couldn't deny the importance of an Invader protecting himself from discovery. Skoodge glanced at Shnooky and smiled at the way the tiny creature was sucking on his fingers. The alien really was cute in an ugly way, like those wrinkly dogs that always looked like they had too much skin for their bodies. 

"Skoodge, I meant to ask earlier, but what gender is Fuzzball?" Zim's face carried a worried frown, as if the question was one of great importance. 

"Don't know," Skoodge answered with a shrug. Then, in an attempt to lighten the mood, he added, "Why? Are you having urges?" 

Zim blinked, a shudder rocking his small frame at the thought. "Don't be disgusting! I just want to be prepared in case it manages to successfully breed with the monsters of this world. The last thing I need is to have your pet spurting out Rat cubs in the base!" 

Indeed, that could be a problem, Skoodge realized, but at the moment he was too tired to worry about it. "Well, if you want to check, be my guest. I'm heading up to my base to get some rest. Call me when you can fix things, Zim." 

Turning his attention to the massive computer screen, Zim only said, "Take Shnooky with you." 

Skoodge scooped the apparent infant up, and made his way out of the labs. He felt a twinge of worry when he saw that Fuzzball and the SIR weren't still there. "They're probably playing somewhere, huh?" he murmured to his tiny charge. A line of drool trailed down Shnooky's chin. Skoodge chuckled and paused to wipe away the spittle with the corner of his tunic. "That's what I thought you'd say." 

Skoodge paused in the doorway of one of his base's holding area and looked around. Bare floors, bare shelves, bare walls - nothing Shnooky could manage to accidentally hurt himself with. "Computer, bring bedding materials to this holding bay." Instantly a panel opened in one of the walls and blankets were dumped unceremoniously to the floor. Ah, the joys of artificial intelligence brains! Skoodge made a nest out of the blankets and set Shnooky in the middle of the sea of cloth. Almost instantly, the Nhar-Gh'ok soldier was asleep. "Computer, monitor the holding bay," Skoodge ordered, yawning hugely. "And alert me whenever Shnooky wakes up." Then the Irken left, locking Shnooky in. Now he didn't have to worry about Fuzzball making a midnight snack out of Shnooky. 

When morning arrived, Skoodge still hadn't heard anything from Zim. "I should have known that it would take longer than a few hours," Skoodge muttered to himself as he slipped on his disguise. "Fuzzball! Fuzzy! Breakfast!" No giant rodent came skittering through the halls. _'Not good! Not good!'_ Skoodge wanted to go looking for his pet, but he needed a better disguise! Dashing to the upper levels of his tree base, Skoodge scooted along one of the "branches" and settled down to watch the humans. He had to figure out what was normal so that he could make his disguise! 

Humans made their way up and down the sidewalk, but none stood still long enough for Skoodge to be able to pick out any common characteristics. He was starting to despair until he noticed a pair across the street. One seemed oblivious to the world, her attention focused entirely on a little box thing. The other watched Zim's base with a frightening intensity. Skoodge strained his superior Irken hearing to try to make out what the watching one was saying. 

"Look, Gaz! Look at that tree! It wasn't there yesterday. Zim has to be up to something... Something evil! What insidious plan do you have in mind, Zim?" 

The other human, the one called Gaz, never looked up from her box. "Zim's probably using it as a hide-out for an army of explosive ninja squirrels, Dib. Can we go home now?" 

The Dib-human leapt up. "Brilliant, Gaz! You may have figured it out!" He began dashing for the base, his coat fluttering along as he ran. Skoodge's lips parted into a grin as he realized he was going to have the chance to examine a human! The only downside would be the base's security being temporarily compromised, but Zim wouldn't have to know. 

As Skoodge sprang into action, plugging into his base via his backpod's multi-purpose leg extensions, he heard the box-watching human say, "Sarcasm is lost on you, Dib." 

The Dib crept up to the fence, peering through the opening. No reactions from the gnomes. He was still on the sidewalk, and not considered a threat. "Come on. Just a little closer..." Skoodge muttered as he clung to his branch platform. In the back of his mind, he cursed Zim for assigning him a squirrel costume. Skoodge just didn't have the right physique to spend his time climbing so many feet in the air. 

The bold little human bounded over the fence, dropping into a roll as he landed. He must have realized that by keeping low, the sensors wouldn't treat him as a threat. Making use of his connection to the base, Skoodge sent a pair of utility tentacles down through the foliage to snap up the human. As he was reeling in his catch, the Dib dropped out of his coat, only to be caught around the leg by a tentacle and dragged up. At last he was face to face with Skoodge! 

Skoodge expected the human to squeal in fright at the sight of one of the elite Invaders, one of the thirty best that the Irken army had to offer. However, the Dib burst into peals of laughter. "Oh man!" he howled. "Man, I thought Zim's disguise was cruddy! All I need is one picture! One picture and you'll be exposed on Mysterious Mysteries!" Skoodge hissed at the human, tempted to hurl him back to the ground. Instead, though, he began his examination. 

"External occular enhancements?" Skoodge murmured, snatching off Dib's glasses and trying them on. They blurred his vision terribly and made him dizzy. Horrid things, Skoodge decided, but he could use plain glass and no one would ever know. "Standard issue?" 

"I'm not telling you anything, alien! Now give those back!" The human squirmed in the tentacles, desperate to escape. Skoodge shrugged and slid the glasses back onto Dib's face. 

"Let's see," Skoodge continued. "I'll need hair, of course." He glanced at the squirrel tail of his current disguise. Hair wouldn't be any problem. Skoodge reached out to peel up the human's shirt, but the creature let out such a roar of outrage that he backed off. "Looks like we do this the hard way," Skoodge grinned. "Computer, take the human into my lab and prepare a probe to go inside him. I want to know how he works inside and out." 

"You're not making me swallow anything!" Dib shouted, still trying to maintain a defiant front. 

Skoodge's grin spread broader as the tentacles started to drag Dib off. "Oh, you won't be swallowing it," he called out after the human. The look of panic on the human's face was the bright spot of Skoodge's day. Skoodge settled back to observe more humans, and to keep watch for Fuzzball. The computer could handle Dib's examination without him. 

After a few minutes, the base computer interrupted Skoodge's thoughts. "Master, the human has escaped." 

Skoodge leapt up, almost falling out of the branches in surprise. "What? How?" Inconceivable! No creature should have been able to escape. 

"Unknown," the computer responded. Inconceivable! Skoodge scurried inside. He had to find the human before the human found Zim! 


	5. The Truth is Right Here

**Author's Note: **As usual, I make no claims of owning IZ. That honor goes to the oh-so-spiffy Jhonen Vasquez and his tribe of winged monkeys at Nickelodeon. *insert obligatory Nickelodeon sucks remark here* A big thank you goes out to Apricot the Gerbil for helping providing ideas for this chapter! And now, be very afraid as I write the Tallests so that they aren't sympathetic characters! *pauses to listen for anything that sounds like the world coming to an end* 

**Chapter 5 - The Truth is Right Here**

Skoodge sped through the underground hallways, desperate to find the Dib-human before Zim. Skoodge's free room and board depended on Zim not discovering the human's presence. "Computer, locate the human!" 

"Processing!" the computer exclaimed. A series of whirs and clicks sounded as the computer followed through with the command. Then... Silence. Skoodge skidded to a halt, his antennae flicking back and forth warily. "Human presence not detected in base," came the computer's reluctant announcement. Skoodge sighed as he realized that the human must have found its way into Zim's base. His blunder was bound to be discovered. When Skoodge reached the connecting doorway between the bases, he found it slightly ajar. Yes, the human had been this way... 

"If I don't find him before Zim," Skoodge muttered to himself, "Zim'll be bound to ask questions. And then he'll find out my mission isn't authorized by the Tallests. And then I'll be shipped right back to Irk! And then..." The tiny Invader shuddered, unable to comprehend what sort of horribly evil fate of doom awaited him back on Irk. He would just have to not be found out! With a sense of renewed purpose, Skoodge stepped through the doorway and into Zim's base. He would find the human no matter what! 

As Skoodge delved deeper into the base, his gaze searched every possible nook and cranny. Alas, Zim's base extended for miles underground. The human could be anywhere! "Wow! This thing has speed dial!" That voice? It couldn't be! Unable to believe his luck, Skoodge peered around the corner. There it was, standing in front of a communication console - the Dib-human! "All right, Zim! Let's see who you've been calling," the plucky human purred as it tapped a sequence of buttons. He couldn't see the screen from where he was, but the way Skoodge's day was going, he knew just who would answer the call. 

"What is it now, Zim?" The static hum of the speakers couldn't hide the annoyance in Tallest Red's voice. The pitiful human's jaw dropped open as it gazed upon the awe-inspiring visages of the Almighty Tallests of the Irken Empire. 

"Hey, that's not Zim!" Tallest Purple this time, Skoodge noted. He wished he had a better view. The human's mouth began opening and shutting as it tried to break the respectful silence that the presence of the Tallests normally instilled in any species. 

"You're right, Purple! It's much uglier." Red again, and he sounded queazy. Humans were indeed hideous to gaze upon. Realizing that the Dib's attention was firmly fixed on the screen, Skoodge slipped into the room. The Invader rose up with the aid of his leg extensions, and was soon hidden among the jungle of tubes and wiring that made up the ceiling. Now he could get a better vantage point! 

"But look at the size of its head! It's huge!" Purple leaned closer to the screen, squinting at the Dib. 

Something in the Tallest's words broke the spell that was over the human. "My head is not big!" Dib protested, shaking his head. The foolish human, so uncivilized that it couldn't even begin to comprehend superior Irken ways, couldn't possibly realize the compliment that the Tallest had just paid it! Skoodge hmmphed softly to himself, wishing that he could be the recipient of such high praise from the Tallests. 

"What is going on here?" Four sets of eyes flicked to the doorway at the opposite end of the room. A tiny form seething with anger glared at the Dib. "You..." Zim hissed. "Computer, restrain the human intruder!" Tentacles unfurled from the ceiling, nearly unseating Skoodge. Only by bracing himself between pipes with his leg extensions did Skoodge keep himself from being dumped unceremoniously on the floor. The human wasn't as lucky, being snatched up before he could run three steps. "How dare you invade my base and disturb the Tallests!" Zim snapped, rising up until he was eye level with the Dib. Then the tiniest of Invaders twirled around on his spindly leg extensions and saluted Red and Purple. "So sorry for the intrusion, my Tallests. The Earth-monkey will be appropriately punished." Glancing slyly at the human, Zim flashed his teeth in a dangerous smile and added, "I'm still quite eager to find out what he looks like with his organs on the outside." 

Tallest Purple scratched his chin thoughtfully. "That won't be necessary, Zim. It would be a terrible shame to destroy a head that size. Go ahead and release the hairy little thing." Tallest Red's head bobbed up and down in assent with his co-ruler. The Dib human looked ready to protest again, but then clamped his mouth shut when he realized that the abnormal size of his head was going to save him. 

"But-but-but..." Zim protested helplessly, unable to believe his hearing organs. "You!" Zim snarled for the second time, whirling back on Dib. "This is one of your tricks! The Tallests would never say such things!" Pausing in his tirade, Skoodge could see the wheels turning in Zim's head as he worked to figure out what the human was up to. "Those are not the Tallests, but robot doubles under you're control! That has to be it!" 

"Right, Zim," the human drawled. "I'd build duplicates of your leaders - who I've never even seen, by the way - route a communication through subspace, break into your home to contact the robots only to have them tell me that my head is big. Oh yeah, that makes perfect sense." Skoodge covered his mouth to keep from laughing and revealing his hiding spot. The human was fairly quick on its mental feet... for an inferior species. 

"Exactly!" Zim snapped. "Now, to figure out how you're controlling the machines. Computer, locate the remote!" When the computer scan came up negative, Zim caught his lower lip between his teeth. Things weren't going quite according to plan. "He's somehow made the remote undetectable. Computer, strip the human!" 

Leaning forward as much as he dared to get a better view, Skoodge got ready to learn all he could about the human appearance. Dib yelped and wriggled as the computer's utility tentacles began yanking off his shirt. "Zim, stop it! There's no reason I'd do anything like that and you know it!" 

"Nonsense," the Invader responded quickly. "You just have some sinister purpose that I have yet to figure out, that's all." 

"Makes sense to me," Tallest Red agreed, reaching off screen to grab a bag of chips. "Maybe he 'built' us to tell you that you're mission isn't real, and we sent you out into space expecting you to die." Both Tallests covered their mouths as they began snickering. 

"Right," Tallest Purple broke in, nudging his partner away from the console. "He probably wants us to say that the only reason we even gave you a mission was to get you out of our antennae so that we could conquer in peace." He and Red turned towards each other and slapped their hands together in a high two. 

Zim's antennae twitched nervously, but he forced himself to pay no attention to what he was certain were false Tallests. Instead, he continued to monitor the undressing of the human. Once the Dib's shirt and pants were off, Zim let out a triumphant squeal. "Ha! Pitiful human! You thought you could fool Zim! You never expected that I would be able to bear the hideousness of your filthy pale skin, but I did and have found the remote!" The Irken proudly pointed to a bulge in Dib's crotch. 

"That's not a remote!" Dib squealed, his skin mottling red, though whether from anger or embarrassment Skoodge couldn't tell. Probably both. Zim just grinned as he reached for the waistband of Dib's briefs. Soon all of the human's plans would lay exposed before him! Both Irken and human gazes shot upward as metal creacked overhead. 

The piping that Skoodge was clinging to broke away and he crashed to the floor. "Slaaark!" he swore the whole way down, until he smacked against the floor, the breath knocked out of him. Could this day possibly get any worse? 

"Hey!" Red yelped triumphantly. "It's that shrimp that was sent to Blorch! The one that just decided to take Armada property and run for it!" Yep, the day could get worse. Skoodge twiddled his fingers at the Tallests in a half-hearted wave. 

"I know not how you learned of Blorch, Dib," Zim muttered to the human. "But your robots are woefully misinformed. Invader Skoodge is here on a special mission for the Tallests!" Skoodge gaped at Zim, unable to believe that he still thought that the Tallests were robots. 

Red, meanwhile, began choking on a chip. Rushing to the rescue, Purple pounded on his partner's back, until Red coughed up a hunk of half-chewed nacho. "Special mission!?" the crimson-clad Tallest snorted. "That's what the little traitor told you?" 

"And I thought quitting being banished took nerve!" Purple chimed in. "Ok, so maybe it's not quite up to par with popping up on Conventia when you're supposed to be frying things on Food Courtia..." The Tallest shot a meaningful glance in Zim's direction. Skoodge prayed the floor would open up and swallow him. 

"You were an intergalactic fry cook?" the Dib human howled incredulously. "The mighty alien menace... The scourge of the human race... Banished to fry things?" 

Tallest Purple, obviously in the mood to gossip, nodded. "Oh yeah, and before that he blew up nearly half of our home planet. That's what got him banished in the first place. Irk hasn't been the same since!" He seemed quite content to ignore the fact that Zim could hear every word. 

Zim's crimson gaze flicked from Dib, to the Tallests, to Skoodge. He swallowed hard as events, both recent and old, fell into place. "You," he hissed, pointing to Dib. "You did not create robot doubles of the Almighty Tallests?" Dib shook his head quickly, hoping to be released so that he could get his clothes back on again. But Zim made no move to free the human. Instead, he whirled on Skoodge. "And you really fled Blorch?" 

"_Fled_ is such an inaccurate term..." Skoodge curled his fingers together nervously. "Ran away with a pack of hungry rat people hot on my heels would be closer to the truth. It was either leave or be rat chow." 

Zim waved a hand in a dismissive gesture. He had confirmation, and that was all he was asking for. Dropping his antennae respectfully low, Zim turned to face his Tallests. "And my mission...?" 

"Got you out of our way like it was supposed to," Red finished as he took a long gulp of soda. "And as fun as this has been, we really must be going. Places to go and planets to conquer, you know. Don't call us, Zim, we'll call you... Or not." The screen went blank. 

Zim continued to stare at the screen, his face a cryptic mask. Skoodge wished the other Irken would at least shout or cry or convulse on the floor. The stony silence was almost unbearable! "Zim?" Skoodge reached out and tapped Zim's shoulder. "Zim, are you all right? Can I get you anything?" 

"Revenge," Zim hissed, voice dripping with pure malice. 


End file.
